I am deeply sorry for everything you experienced. Much of your story is so similar to what I experienced with my first husband when our daughter was born. I feel as though I was robbed of part of the new motherhood experience because he abandoned me in every sense.
Thank you, the same to you as well. I unfortunately know exactly what that feels like, twice. 💔 I’m still mourning the experiences I should have had. I feel like I haven’t been able to soak in and enjoy these precious years because of the turbulence and trauma he has caused and continues to cause. My brain keeps saying “it’s not supposed to be like this.”
Definitely an addict and alcoholic, and I know he tried more substances after I left. We had that argument all the time, that he should be able to try coke/meth/acid/whatever he wants at least once “for the experience.”
I wonder how many men make it to the end of this well written essay. How many men sit with the discomfort? Very few I would be willing to bet. It’s difficult to sit with such a heavy reality that you were indeed brought up to disrespect your partner and your values are amiss.
Not many, I would also say. It reminds me of another quote by Tamara Renaye: Accountability feels like an attack when you’re not ready to acknowledge how your behavior harms others.
That’s a really good quote. Saving that. I’ve honestly felt attacked when I haven’t been ready to acknowledge my own behavior (because sadly as hard as I try, I’m not perfect and never will be). On the other side, there’s been an explosion when I’ve brought up harms and perhaps this is often where gaslighting occurs.
Yes! I’m going to continue to reflect on this. I’ve been writing about it some this morning as I sip my tea. Thank you for this opportunity for reflection.
The sentence that stands out to me is "He's mad she actually left, because he the thought she should tolerate a state of permanent unhappiness." This is exactly how my brother-in-law felt when my sister-in-law left him. He was so affronted. He just couldn't understand why she wouldn't put up with his nonsense anymore. Great article, btw.
There are way too many men like this in the world. I had the same experience, I separated within a couple of years. With a small child. I didn’t care I wanted it out.
By the way, postpartum depression is because the men are not carrying their weight. It’s not a chemical imbalance. It’s a power imbalance in the family. That’s because as soon as the woman is post birth, she’s expected to work, do everything in the home, all the emotional labor with zero support. No wonder women lose it.
And just wait until you get into your 50s! You see that the men your age who are divorced are dating younger women, because you know they want someone who will shut up and put up.
They don’t want a real woman, hell they don’t want a real human being
And in the beginning, it had me a little frustrated, because I’ve been single now for 10 years, solo Parent after the separated and divorce. Completely isolated, I have my kid 24 seven, responsible for the families financials 100% on my own… Because you know deadbeat dad who thinks court orders don’t apply to him.
However, I was like I would never date a man, my age. I know what I went through and the reason why I divorce, and many other women that have done the same. These men were kicked out of their marriages because they sucked. So why would I wanna date them?
Thank you for the specific discussion of the lack of photos. My ex-husband did not take a single photo of me at the birthday party I planned and hosted for our daughter’s second birthday. Every random neighbor and kid was captured in detail, but not me, the one who had bought the cake, made a cute invitation, coordinated the RSVPs, hung the balloons, and planned the games. Since this was the era before selfies, I couldn’t take any either. Same when my daughter was born, barely a single pic of baby and me. I am so glad I divorced him!
I am so sorry. I know that grief all too well. If not for my parents, I would only have a handful of pictures I’m actually in. It’s so dehumanizing to be left out like that. You can’t help but wonder if it’s intentional.
This was my whole marriage. Three kids and the same each time. He took sleeping pills when I was in labor so he would be rested for the “big day.” I mourn the experiences I didn’t have, too. I mourn the lack of photos of me with the kiddos I devoted myself to. I mourn the fact that on father’s day I can’t celebrate having a good dad for my kids. I mourn the memories I don’t have, that I repress, because they have so much sadness attached to them. And years of therapy haven’t healed it all. I’m so sorry you, and all commenters, went through the same. I see you.
Well said. Begging for basic human decency is too common. They don’t help because they just don’t want to. Of course it is intentional. We shouldn’t have to even ask for them to pull their weight - not ‘help’ when it’s their responsibility - but once we have asked that should be enough for someone who genuinely didn’t get it because of their upbringing to step up. That they don’t, repeatedly, and they can see we are suffering is abuse indeed. You deserve so much better. ❤️
Exactly— the inaction makes it intentional, even if it didn’t start out that way for some. Knowing your partner is drowning and choosing to do nothing, or worse, to tell her it’s not that bad and to dehumanize her further by telling her she’s overreacting and dramatic, is absolutely abuse. Thank you for your kind words. I divorced him and I’m much happier on my own.
I lived it and am also divorced and happier on my own! It is inhumane what is expected of a lot of women and I commend you for speaking out and sharing that this constitutes abuse. I wish I’d realised at the time.
Thank you. It took me a long time to realize it, too. I’m sorry you lived it, too, and I’m glad you got out. His family recently found my publication and created a vindictive account named Healing Out Louder to try and threaten me back into silence. I can’t stop talking about my experiences. I won’t let them take anything else from me.
Thank you and oh goodness me. That is especially vindictive of them. With any luck they won’t keep it up but again, good for you, for standing your ground. They don’t make it easy and it is sad that they aren’t interested in us when we are there but as soon as we’ve gone all the energy comes our way. It is so ridiculous, pathetic and sick. All we were asking for was basic humanity at the time. Their loss. You’re amazing. And one of the things that inspired me to sign up to a Domestic Abuse Recovery Programme was the line ‘we know it isn’t just what they do, but what they take away.’
Hello I am sorry I lost your reply before reading it and it has even gone from my emails! I noticed some typos in my piece above so edited them and then lost your comment!
My stomach began to hurt reading this, and I can understand you so well. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Learning to love ourselves is a long journey.
Thank you, friend. I’m sorry you lived through similar. It sounds like you got out, so I hope that is true. Learning to love ourselves is a long journey for sure, but it’s been one of the most worthwhile ones for me. 🩵
Yes I did, my marriage to a man I thought was different from my biggest love and nightmare. We lived parallel lives and I was dead inside and my self esteem was only millimeters when I finally left. I got one gift, my son, who is my treasure. I am still learning to love myself, and it is hard work. Thank you for making me remember, and understand myself again
Amazing piece and you articulated what sadly most relationships are like behind closed doors.
Mine was exactly like this for 8 years and I’m grateful that I left before having children with him and feel so much empathy for women who have to go through all that with a man like that.
Since leaving I met a full human man who loves everything about me and celebrates me every single day and I get to experience feeling seen, feeling lust (I never felt this in my last relationship because I was emotionally alone) and have the most incredible partnership with this person.
I feel sorry for my ex and all of the men you described who will never know true love (or anything close) because they’ve been conditioned out of feeling and into control and performative masculinity from such a young age.
I’m so glad you got out and there is somebody out there whose phone would be filled with photos of you because they are completely obsessed with you.
Thank you so much. I’m so sorry you experienced this as well, and I’m glad you were able to escape without having children with him. They are my greatest blessing but it’s sick how they become leverage. It’s heartbreaking how many women have lived through similar.
I am so glad you found a partner who cheers for you, who loves you fully, who builds you up!! I think the loudest way to love someone is to encourage them to be their full selves. To be seen and held and free.
I hope I find that person someday! I’m holding onto hope that they’re out there.
Oof. Great essay. I actually do see this in the world. Oof. I actually do see this in the world. But these men can’t be reached by Substack feminism or annoying educational attempts at indoctrination. The women might feel seen though. But the men…they need spiritual help. Systemic change via institutions and media is counterproductive imo. But these men can’t be reached by Substack feminism or annoying educational attempts at indoctrination. The women might feel seen though. But the men…they need spiritual help. Systemic change via institutions and media is counterproductive imo. We are gaslighting the shit out of men though, that video games and “porn” from puberty on are harmless, and men were always like this and only feminism can enlighten them. Crazy.
Thank you. I know that most men won’t read this, so I write for other women, so they feel seen, so they can name their experiences, so they know they’re not alone.
If systemic change and education aren’t the answers, what do you think is the solution? I’m genuinely curious.
I agree that video games and porn can be harmful. A lot of porn shows male violence to women and exploits women.
I’m so thankful for the opportunity to collaborate with you all. 🩵
Absolutely our pleasure!
I am deeply sorry for everything you experienced. Much of your story is so similar to what I experienced with my first husband when our daughter was born. I feel as though I was robbed of part of the new motherhood experience because he abandoned me in every sense.
Thank you, the same to you as well. I unfortunately know exactly what that feels like, twice. 💔 I’m still mourning the experiences I should have had. I feel like I haven’t been able to soak in and enjoy these precious years because of the turbulence and trauma he has caused and continues to cause. My brain keeps saying “it’s not supposed to be like this.”
Spot on. This is what it's like to live with a misogynistic and entitled troglodyte.
I’m sorry you lived through similar.
And a pot addict, sounds like. Addiction is a profoundly selfish state.
Definitely an addict and alcoholic, and I know he tried more substances after I left. We had that argument all the time, that he should be able to try coke/meth/acid/whatever he wants at least once “for the experience.”
I’m so sorry, and glad that you were able to separate.
Thank you. It’s better on the other side 🩵
I wonder how many men make it to the end of this well written essay. How many men sit with the discomfort? Very few I would be willing to bet. It’s difficult to sit with such a heavy reality that you were indeed brought up to disrespect your partner and your values are amiss.
Thank you for this raw evocative piece!
Thank you for reading and engaging.
Not many, I would also say. It reminds me of another quote by Tamara Renaye: Accountability feels like an attack when you’re not ready to acknowledge how your behavior harms others.
That’s a really good quote. Saving that. I’ve honestly felt attacked when I haven’t been ready to acknowledge my own behavior (because sadly as hard as I try, I’m not perfect and never will be). On the other side, there’s been an explosion when I’ve brought up harms and perhaps this is often where gaslighting occurs.
I have too. Growth is uncomfortable for everyone. If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t push us to grow.
Yes! I’m going to continue to reflect on this. I’ve been writing about it some this morning as I sip my tea. Thank you for this opportunity for reflection.
I’m looking forward to reading if you decide to share 🩵🩵
Thank you sincerely! 💜💜
The sentence that stands out to me is "He's mad she actually left, because he the thought she should tolerate a state of permanent unhappiness." This is exactly how my brother-in-law felt when my sister-in-law left him. He was so affronted. He just couldn't understand why she wouldn't put up with his nonsense anymore. Great article, btw.
Thank you so much. It’s entitlement. They think they’re entitled to a wife because they are a man. I’m glad your sister-in-law got away.
There are way too many men like this in the world. I had the same experience, I separated within a couple of years. With a small child. I didn’t care I wanted it out.
By the way, postpartum depression is because the men are not carrying their weight. It’s not a chemical imbalance. It’s a power imbalance in the family. That’s because as soon as the woman is post birth, she’s expected to work, do everything in the home, all the emotional labor with zero support. No wonder women lose it.
And just wait until you get into your 50s! You see that the men your age who are divorced are dating younger women, because you know they want someone who will shut up and put up.
They don’t want a real woman, hell they don’t want a real human being
And in the beginning, it had me a little frustrated, because I’ve been single now for 10 years, solo Parent after the separated and divorce. Completely isolated, I have my kid 24 seven, responsible for the families financials 100% on my own… Because you know deadbeat dad who thinks court orders don’t apply to him.
However, I was like I would never date a man, my age. I know what I went through and the reason why I divorce, and many other women that have done the same. These men were kicked out of their marriages because they sucked. So why would I wanna date them?
I’ve heard similar about postpartum depression— that the number one indicator is household inequity.
I’m sorry you experienced similar. I’m absolutely with you on dating a man who is divorced. Instant red flag for me.
Thank you for the specific discussion of the lack of photos. My ex-husband did not take a single photo of me at the birthday party I planned and hosted for our daughter’s second birthday. Every random neighbor and kid was captured in detail, but not me, the one who had bought the cake, made a cute invitation, coordinated the RSVPs, hung the balloons, and planned the games. Since this was the era before selfies, I couldn’t take any either. Same when my daughter was born, barely a single pic of baby and me. I am so glad I divorced him!
I am so sorry. I know that grief all too well. If not for my parents, I would only have a handful of pictures I’m actually in. It’s so dehumanizing to be left out like that. You can’t help but wonder if it’s intentional.
This was my whole marriage. Three kids and the same each time. He took sleeping pills when I was in labor so he would be rested for the “big day.” I mourn the experiences I didn’t have, too. I mourn the lack of photos of me with the kiddos I devoted myself to. I mourn the fact that on father’s day I can’t celebrate having a good dad for my kids. I mourn the memories I don’t have, that I repress, because they have so much sadness attached to them. And years of therapy haven’t healed it all. I’m so sorry you, and all commenters, went through the same. I see you.
Oh friend. So much of my own heartbreak echos in your words. We deserved far better. Love and healing to you. 💔🩵
Well said. Begging for basic human decency is too common. They don’t help because they just don’t want to. Of course it is intentional. We shouldn’t have to even ask for them to pull their weight - not ‘help’ when it’s their responsibility - but once we have asked that should be enough for someone who genuinely didn’t get it because of their upbringing to step up. That they don’t, repeatedly, and they can see we are suffering is abuse indeed. You deserve so much better. ❤️
Exactly— the inaction makes it intentional, even if it didn’t start out that way for some. Knowing your partner is drowning and choosing to do nothing, or worse, to tell her it’s not that bad and to dehumanize her further by telling her she’s overreacting and dramatic, is absolutely abuse. Thank you for your kind words. I divorced him and I’m much happier on my own.
I lived it and am also divorced and happier on my own! It is inhumane what is expected of a lot of women and I commend you for speaking out and sharing that this constitutes abuse. I wish I’d realised at the time.
Thank you. It took me a long time to realize it, too. I’m sorry you lived it, too, and I’m glad you got out. His family recently found my publication and created a vindictive account named Healing Out Louder to try and threaten me back into silence. I can’t stop talking about my experiences. I won’t let them take anything else from me.
Thank you and oh goodness me. That is especially vindictive of them. With any luck they won’t keep it up but again, good for you, for standing your ground. They don’t make it easy and it is sad that they aren’t interested in us when we are there but as soon as we’ve gone all the energy comes our way. It is so ridiculous, pathetic and sick. All we were asking for was basic humanity at the time. Their loss. You’re amazing. And one of the things that inspired me to sign up to a Domestic Abuse Recovery Programme was the line ‘we know it isn’t just what they do, but what they take away.’
They definitely don’t make it easy. I wish they would just leave me alone. They’ve done enough harm already.
That’s a powerful line. I may look into a program. Thank you for your kind words. 🩵
Hello I am sorry I lost your reply before reading it and it has even gone from my emails! I noticed some typos in my piece above so edited them and then lost your comment!
No worries at all 🩵
I'm so glad you left him, you deserve so much more.
Thank you 🩵
My stomach began to hurt reading this, and I can understand you so well. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Learning to love ourselves is a long journey.
Thank you, friend. I’m sorry you lived through similar. It sounds like you got out, so I hope that is true. Learning to love ourselves is a long journey for sure, but it’s been one of the most worthwhile ones for me. 🩵
Yes I did, my marriage to a man I thought was different from my biggest love and nightmare. We lived parallel lives and I was dead inside and my self esteem was only millimeters when I finally left. I got one gift, my son, who is my treasure. I am still learning to love myself, and it is hard work. Thank you for making me remember, and understand myself again
I know what you mean. I’m honored I could briefly walk with you. 🩵
Amazing piece and you articulated what sadly most relationships are like behind closed doors.
Mine was exactly like this for 8 years and I’m grateful that I left before having children with him and feel so much empathy for women who have to go through all that with a man like that.
Since leaving I met a full human man who loves everything about me and celebrates me every single day and I get to experience feeling seen, feeling lust (I never felt this in my last relationship because I was emotionally alone) and have the most incredible partnership with this person.
I feel sorry for my ex and all of the men you described who will never know true love (or anything close) because they’ve been conditioned out of feeling and into control and performative masculinity from such a young age.
I’m so glad you got out and there is somebody out there whose phone would be filled with photos of you because they are completely obsessed with you.
That’s the type of love we all deserve!
Xx
Thank you so much. I’m so sorry you experienced this as well, and I’m glad you were able to escape without having children with him. They are my greatest blessing but it’s sick how they become leverage. It’s heartbreaking how many women have lived through similar.
I am so glad you found a partner who cheers for you, who loves you fully, who builds you up!! I think the loudest way to love someone is to encourage them to be their full selves. To be seen and held and free.
I hope I find that person someday! I’m holding onto hope that they’re out there.
Been exactly there (minus children) and just finally left ~ I so needed to read this thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥️
Oh Jenn, I’m so damn proud of you. My inbox is open if you ever need to talk to someone who has been where you are right now. 🩵
Thank you so so much ♥️I am proud of me too
As you should be. You did a really fucking hard thing. Keep choosing yourself. 🩵🩵
Stunning piece of work right here. Thank you for articulating my experience better than I even can!
Oh Kelly, thank you so much for the high praise. I’m sorry you also lived through this. 💔
Oof. Great essay. I actually do see this in the world. Oof. I actually do see this in the world. But these men can’t be reached by Substack feminism or annoying educational attempts at indoctrination. The women might feel seen though. But the men…they need spiritual help. Systemic change via institutions and media is counterproductive imo. But these men can’t be reached by Substack feminism or annoying educational attempts at indoctrination. The women might feel seen though. But the men…they need spiritual help. Systemic change via institutions and media is counterproductive imo. We are gaslighting the shit out of men though, that video games and “porn” from puberty on are harmless, and men were always like this and only feminism can enlighten them. Crazy.
Thank you. I know that most men won’t read this, so I write for other women, so they feel seen, so they can name their experiences, so they know they’re not alone.
If systemic change and education aren’t the answers, what do you think is the solution? I’m genuinely curious.
I agree that video games and porn can be harmful. A lot of porn shows male violence to women and exploits women.
https://open.substack.com/pub/hilaryconnors/p/no-regrets?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=1ksyw1
I wrote something that has echoes of your piece. In fact I hear myself in your words. Maybe you'll hear some of your words in mine.
I absolutely did. I’m so sorry you lived through that. Thank you for your vulnerability. 💔🩵